{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"Inside out","provider_url":"https:\/\/peternoel.cafeblog.hu","author_name":"Peter Noel","author_url":"https:\/\/peternoel.cafeblog.hu\/author\/peternoelfreemail-hu\/","title":"Peter Noel: Intimacy - Intimit\u00e1s","html":"
(You can read the English version under the Hungarian text.)\r\n\r\nSzia, Anya!\r\n\r\nH\u00e9t h\u00f3napja haltatok meg ap\u00e1val, s \u00e9n az\u00f3ta \u00e9lni tanulok. \u00dajra keresem a vil\u00e1g sz\u00edneit, keresem a sz\u00e9pet, s pr\u00f3b\u00e1lom felismerni a j\u00f3t. Nem mindig megy. Az ember szem\u00e9t k\u00f6nnyen megcsalj\u00e1k a csillog\u00f3 dolgok. Az \u00e9letem megint fordul\u00f3ponthoz \u00e9rkezett, s ilyenkor mindig megbesz\u00e9lt\u00fck a dolgokat, de most m\u00e1r nincs lehet\u0151s\u00e9gem erre. A sz\u00e9l messze f\u00fajja, mit ajkam suttog, s nem jut el hozz\u00e1d. Nyitott sz\u00edv\u0171 fi\u00fanak neveltetek, olyannak, ki \u00e9rt\u00e9ket keres a vil\u00e1gban, \u00e9s \u00e9rt\u00e9ket hagy maga m\u00f6g\u00f6tt. Ki mindig igyekszik helyesen \u00e9lni, hogy tart\u00e1ssal tudjon majd visszan\u00e9zni m\u00faltj\u00e1ra. Azt mondtad, fontos, hogy az ember tart\u00e1ssal \u00e9ljen, s ehhez elengedhetetlen a becs\u00fclet.\r\n\r\nEml\u00e9kszem, hogy egy munkat\u00e1rsad \u00e9vekig besz\u00e9lt a h\u00e1tad m\u00f6g\u00f6tt. Mindig sz\u00edvta a v\u00e9red. \u00c9n marh\u00e1ra ideges voltam miatta, de Te csak mosolyogt\u00e1l, s\u0151t, \u00e9vekkel k\u00e9s\u0151bb seg\u00edtett\u00e9l is neki. Amikor megk\u00e9rdeztem, mi\u00e9rt tetted, azt felelted, csak irigy volt, nem tudta, mit tesz, s hogy mindenkinek seg\u00edteni kell. Mindenkinek. Tudod, anya, b\u00e1rhogy igyekszem, sosem lesz olyan j\u00f3 sz\u00edvem, mint neked, \u00e9s \u00fagy \u00e9rzem, sosem tanulok a hib\u00e1imb\u00f3l. Tiszta sz\u00edv\u0171 k\u00f6lyk\u00f6t nevelt\u00e9l fel, de mag\u00e1nyos f\u00e9rfi lettem. Budapest utc\u00e1in elveszek a t\u00f6meg sodr\u00e1s\u00e1ban. Ez itt egy \u00f3ri\u00e1si tenger, Anya, s \u00e9n rohadtul kis csepp vagyok benne.\r\n\r\nMiut\u00e1n meghaltatok, megismertem egy n\u0151t. Tudod, \u0150 akkor is fogta a kezemet, mikor \u00e9n nem l\u00e1ttam a k\u00f6nnyeimt\u0151l. Akkor is mellettem volt, mikor nem tudtam \u00e9rtelmes mondatokat mondani. \u00datjaink v\u00e9g\u00fcl elv\u00e1ltak, m\u00e9gis sajn\u00e1lom, hogy nem tudtam \u0150t bemutatni neked. Mert \u00e1ltala tanultam meg, mi a val\u00f3di intimit\u00e1s. A legt\u00f6bb ember azt hiszi, a szex, vagy egy cs\u00f3k az, de nem. Hanem, hogy merj\u00fck-e meg\u00e9lni az \u00e9rz\u00e9seinket, s merj\u00fck-e kimutatni. \u00c9n nem voltam k\u00e9pes r\u00e1 mindeddig. Mellette siker\u00fclt. Hogy mi\u00e9rt ilyen k\u00e9s\u0151n?\r\n\r\nHa az ember nem tal\u00e1l v\u00e1laszokat a jelenben, akkor a m\u00faltban kell keresnie. \u00c9s akkor eszembe jutott egy nap. Els\u0151 oszt\u00e1lyos voltam, \u00e9s Te vitt\u00e9l engem iskol\u00e1ba, de kor\u00e1bban el kellett v\u00e1lnunk, hisz Te a m\u00e1sik \u00e9p\u00fcletben tan\u00edtott\u00e1l. Azt mondtad, most nem tudsz elk\u00eds\u00e9rni v\u00e9gig, mert k\u00e9sve indultunk, \u00e9s be kell \u00e9rned az \u00f3r\u00e1ra. Megijedtem. Meg akart\u00e1l \u00f6lelni, puszilni, de azt morogtam, akkor az sem kell. Elmosolyodt\u00e1l, megsimogattad a fejemet, \u00e9s azt felelted: \u201eJ\u00f3l van, kincsem.\u201d Elindultunk m\u00e1s-m\u00e1s ir\u00e1nyba. M\u00e1r nem l\u00e1ttad, de s\u00edrni kezdtem. Nem \u00e9rtettem, mi\u00e9rt nem \u00f6lelt\u00e9l meg. Nem \u00e9rtettem semmit, anya. Tal\u00e1n eml\u00e9kszel, hogy ut\u00e1na \u00e9vekig nem hagytam, hogy b\u00e1rki meg\u00f6leljen, \u00e9s megpusziljon. Ker\u00fcltem minden intim pillanatot, mert f\u00e9ltem, hogy m\u00e9g egyszer csal\u00f3dok. \u00c9vek teltek el, mire \u00fajra meg mertelek \u00f6lelni titeket. Az a kisfi\u00fa f\u00e9lre\u00e9rtette azt az elv\u00e1l\u00e1st. Fogalma sem volt, hogy semmi rossz sem t\u00f6rt\u00e9nt. 2014-nek kellett elj\u00f6nnie, mire \u00e9letemben el\u0151sz\u00f6r hagytam a sz\u00edvemet igaz\u00e1n megny\u00edlni. Ak\u00e1rhogy is sz\u00e1molom ez t\u00f6bb, mint h\u00fasz \u00e9v. Sok id\u0151 telt el, mire a f\u00e9nyre \u00e9rtem.\r\n\r\nAnnyi mindenre megtan\u00edtottatok, annyi mindent elmondtatok, de \u00e9n most is sz\u00f3lni akarok hozz\u00e1tok. El szeretn\u00e9m mondani, hogy a bennem \u00e9l\u0151 kisk\u00f6ly\u00f6k most sem \u00e9rti a vil\u00e1got. Rosszul van att\u00f3l, hogy mindent a p\u00e9nz ir\u00e1ny\u00edt, hogy sok ember \u00e1ttapos a t\u00f6bbin, hogy k\u00f6h\u00f6g\u0151 g\u00e9pek falj\u00e1k fel a t\u00fcd\u0151nket, s hogy a rohan\u00e1sban m\u00e1r alig vessz\u00fck \u00e9szre egym\u00e1st. \u00c9s el szeretn\u00e9m mondani nektek, hogy m\u00e9g mindig t\u00fal er\u0151s \u00e9s makacs vagyok, hogy feladjam az \u00e1lmaimat. Ha odafent vagytok, rem\u00e9lem, l\u00e1tt\u00e1tok azt a n\u0151t, ki v\u00e9gre megtan\u00edtotta nekem, hogy nem att\u00f3l leszek boldog \u00e9s er\u0151s, ha elnyomom az \u00e9rz\u00e9seimet, hanem att\u00f3l, ha meg\u00e9lem a sz\u00e1rnyal\u00e1sukat.\r\n\r\nKint most liheg a beton a h\u0151s\u00e9gben, a Nap \u00e9hesen harap bel\u00e9nk, s \u00e9n emberek ezrei k\u00f6zt s\u00e9t\u00e1lok, kik nem ismerik von\u00e1saimat. Nem l\u00e1tj\u00e1k sz\u00edvemet, sem gondolataimat. R\u00e1tok gondolok, Anya, s az \u00edg\u00e9retre, melyet nektek tettem. Tart\u00e1ssal, becs\u00fclettel \u00e9lni, \u00e1lmokat soha nem feladni, boldog emberr\u00e9 v\u00e1lni. Tudom, hogy siker\u00fclni fog.\u00a0<\/i>\r\n\r\nSzeretlek titeket, Anya. Mindig szeretni foglak.\r\n\r\nMakacs fiatok -\u00a0Peter Noel Privat<\/a>,\u00a0P\u00e9ter Noel<\/a>\u00a0Szerz\u0151i \u00e9s minden jog fenntartva. Megoszthat\u00f3 v\u00e1ltoztat\u00e1s n\u00e9lk\u00fcl, mindennem\u0171 egy\u00e9b felhaszn\u00e1l\u00e1sa enged\u00e9lyk\u00f6teles.\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\r\n
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\"DSC00082\"<\/a>\r\n\r\nhttp:\/\/peternoel.us.com\/peternoelblog\/peter-noel-intimacy-intimitas<\/a>\r\n\r\nHello, Mom,\r\n\r\n7 months has passed, since you and Dad died. Since that day, I'm still learning how to survive. I'm looking for the colours of the world, I'm looking for the beauty, and I'm also trying to recognize them. Sometimes I fail. Sparkling things may trick our eyes. Now, my life changed again. We were always talking about these things, but now, we can't. The wind blows away what my lips are whispering, and they can not reach you. You raised me as an open hearted boy, who is always looking for the good. Who is always trying to live with respect, and avoids shameless things. You told me, honour is essential in life.\r\n\r\nI can remember, you had a colleague, who was talking about you behind you. He was always against you. I was very mad at him, but you were smiling, and years later, you helped him out. When I asked you, why did you do it, you told me, he was jealous, and he didn't know, what was he doing, and we have to help everyone. For everyone. You know, Mom, even if I'm trying, I am afraid, I will never have as good heart, as you. You raised me, as a pure hearted kid, and now, I'm just a lonely man. I got lost in the streets of Budapest, in the crowd. It is like a huge sea, and I am just a water drop in it.\r\n\r\nAfter yours death, I met a woman. You know, she was holding my hands, when I couldn't see from my tears. She was always there for me, when I couldn't even speak at all. Now, we are separated, but I still fell sorry for couldn't introduce her to you. Because she taught me, what does real intimacy mean. Most people think, it is sex, or kisses, but they are wrong. It is about daring to live our fellings, about daring to express them. I wasn't able to do it before. With her, I learned how to do it. Why so late?\r\n\r\nIf we can not find the answers in the present, they must be somewhere in the past. So I remembered to a day. I was in first grade, and you took me to the school, but then we had to go our ways, because you taught in the other building. You had to be hurry, to get to the classroom in time. I was scared. You wanted to hug and kiss me, but I didn't let you do it. You smiled at me, and told me: \u201eIt is all right, Honey\u201d. We continued our ways. You couldn't see, that I was crying. I didn't understand, why didn't you hug me. I didn't understand anything, Mom. Maybe you can remember, from that day, I didn't let anyone else to hug, or kiss me for years. I evaded every intinmate moments, because I didn't want to be disappointed again. I was able to hug you both again only years later. That little boy misunderstood that situation. He didn't have a clue, that nothing wrong happened.I let my heart truly open to someone in 2014. It is more, than 20 years. A lot of time passed, 'till I reached to the light.\r\n\r\nYou taught me a lot of things, and I still want to talk to you both. I want to tell you both, that the little kid inside of me still doesn't understand the world. He is sick and fed of this world, which is manipulated by money, and clashing machines are eating our lungs, and people can not see the real value of each other. And I also want you to know, that I'm still too stubborn to give up my dreams. If you are up there, I hope, you saw that woman, who taught me, that I only will be happy, if I will live in the moments, and I will express my feelings.\r\n\r\nThe concrete is panting in the heat outside, the Sun is biting us in hunger, and I am walking amongst thousands of people, whom don't know my feelings.They can't see neither my heart, nor my thoughts. I think you you both, and I also think of my promise. To live a respectful life, and to never give up my dreams. I know, I will keep this promise.\r\n\r\nI love you both, Mom. I always will.\r\n\r\nYours stubborn son -\u00a0Peter Noel<\/a>\u00a0https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/PeterNoel20<\/a>\u00a0Copyright and all rights reserved. Shareable without modification, any other use requires authorization.<\/span><\/div>","type":"rich"}